I came back from that conference so inspired in so many directions, but also buried under all the stuff that comes with being away from home for a week. Piles of laundry, a floor covered in cat hair, a baby with separation anxiety, a garden that is threatening to give up the ghost altogether, and I kind of wanted to implode with the tension of it all. I felt so overwhelmed with what had to be done, and what should probably be done, and what I wanted to get done, that I kind of went into a little bit of a funk.

Don’t we all go through those periods when we feel like our juggling is totally out of rhythm? When we feel like we’re doing everything halfway and not really getting anything done right and disappointing everyone in the process? A span where you just feel like you suck at life? Yeah, that’s hit me big time this week.

I went back to the doctor’s on Monday, and bawled my head off like a crazy person. Luckily I have a really great doctor so she listened to all my concerns and just came up with the next step. All it takes is one doctor calling you crazy, and it ruins you for life. Every time we’ve done a test and had it come back clear, I feel that old worry creeping up on me more and more and more. So far we’ve discovered that I have a heart murmur, but it appears to be a “functional murmur” which apparently means that I just get to live with it. We did a pulmonary function test and after all these years of different asthma medications, it turns out that I do not in fact have asthma. I’ll go on to see the lung doctor in a few weeks, but for right now it’s looking like whatever is wrong with me is going to stay that way. So I need to start a workout program that is pretty much on the level of physical therapy.

I spent yesterday thinking about everything I have on my plate, everything I do for Atti, for my family, for myself, thought about what I could let go of, and I wasn’t willing to give up anything. I can’t exactly slack off on his therapy, I’ve tried giving up crafting and it doesn’t work, and I’m finally writing after a lifetime of guilt about it. Plus I need to find a way to exercise every day. And maybe feed my family something that doesn’t come in a bag.

But instead of falling back into that trap of being overwhelmed and getting nowhere, I decided to follow the example of my doctor and just focus on the next step. How could I fit in as much as possible, TODAY. Without worrying about a whole new structure to the rest of my life or trying to fit in every good thing every single day, what can I do right now. And yesterday turned out to not only be a really really great day, a day I enjoyed but also a day where I felt like I was doing a much better job at life. And best of all I came up with some creative little multi-tasking solutions that really will change the structure to the rest of my life. I don’t think I could have entered problem-solving mode until I could just stop being scared by the size of the problems.

There is so much about parenthood that is overwhelming and stressful, but man, when you figure something out, it is the most powerful feeling in the world.

I suppose after all that talk before hand I should probably talk a little bit about how it went, right?

Not to get too grandiose, but I really do think that last week was one of the most productive and inspiring weeks of my life.

My panels went really really great. Other than wishing there were more people in attendance, I couldn’t have asked for anything more. But what made it so great is how receptive people were to what I had to offer. All week I was surrounded by brilliance. PhD’s, internet celebrities, and incredible talent, and – maybe this sounds ridiculous – but it really thrilled me, Stay At Home Mom and Craft Designer, to be so included and respected. And heard.

When the circles you run in are essential your child, the people who teach your child, and the people inside the computer, I think it’s human nature to think of yourself as nothing special, with nothing very special to offer. This conference made me see that, first of all, we all see ourselves that way, and then also, the rest of the world is not as far away as I think it is.

Growing up, my parents were realists to the point of pessimism. They never really told me how they got that way, but I think somewhere along the way they had to have had some dreams crushed because every time one of their kids started getting carried away in their dreams they would remind us how hard the world was, how many people want to do [fill in the blank], and the only way to be happy and safe was to do something that would always be needed. A nurse, a dental assistant, and if I *had* to go to college then be a teacher. It must have been an endless source of frustration for them to have a passel of creative kids.

I started working as a Craft Designer by accident. I was too sick to work a regular full-time job and I was making stuff without even realizing it. Creating is a bodily function to me, just like circulation or breathing. It is so essential to me that for most of my life I didn’t even realize it was so essential. It was just there. You don’t notice you’re breathing until you stop. I think if I had been aware of it at all I probably would have heard my mom’s voice in my head and not pursued it.

That’s how writing has been for me. One of my secret most heartfelt desires was to write, but I was terrified I’d suck, which of course everyone does at the beginning, and I was convinced that since it was so competitive to get a book published, than it wasn’t worth all that effort anyway. This week there were publishers and editors there that were so supportive and interested in what I had to say, it just made me realize that that world is not as removed as I had always been told. I’m sure it is competitive, but not insurmountable, and I just have to get to work so that I can push past the part where I suck. I learned that I do have something to say and that there are people in the world who want to hear it.

So now I have one more thing to do in a day.

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