I came back from that conference so inspired in so many directions, but also buried under all the stuff that comes with being away from home for a week. Piles of laundry, a floor covered in cat hair, a baby with separation anxiety, a garden that is threatening to give up the ghost altogether, and I kind of wanted to implode with the tension of it all. I felt so overwhelmed with what had to be done, and what should probably be done, and what I wanted to get done, that I kind of went into a little bit of a funk.
Don’t we all go through those periods when we feel like our juggling is totally out of rhythm? When we feel like we’re doing everything halfway and not really getting anything done right and disappointing everyone in the process? A span where you just feel like you suck at life? Yeah, that’s hit me big time this week.
I went back to the doctor’s on Monday, and bawled my head off like a crazy person. Luckily I have a really great doctor so she listened to all my concerns and just came up with the next step. All it takes is one doctor calling you crazy, and it ruins you for life. Every time we’ve done a test and had it come back clear, I feel that old worry creeping up on me more and more and more. So far we’ve discovered that I have a heart murmur, but it appears to be a “functional murmur” which apparently means that I just get to live with it. We did a pulmonary function test and after all these years of different asthma medications, it turns out that I do not in fact have asthma. I’ll go on to see the lung doctor in a few weeks, but for right now it’s looking like whatever is wrong with me is going to stay that way. So I need to start a workout program that is pretty much on the level of physical therapy.
I spent yesterday thinking about everything I have on my plate, everything I do for Atti, for my family, for myself, thought about what I could let go of, and I wasn’t willing to give up anything. I can’t exactly slack off on his therapy, I’ve tried giving up crafting and it doesn’t work, and I’m finally writing after a lifetime of guilt about it. Plus I need to find a way to exercise every day. And maybe feed my family something that doesn’t come in a bag.
But instead of falling back into that trap of being overwhelmed and getting nowhere, I decided to follow the example of my doctor and just focus on the next step. How could I fit in as much as possible, TODAY. Without worrying about a whole new structure to the rest of my life or trying to fit in every good thing every single day, what can I do right now. And yesterday turned out to not only be a really really great day, a day I enjoyed but also a day where I felt like I was doing a much better job at life. And best of all I came up with some creative little multi-tasking solutions that really will change the structure to the rest of my life. I don’t think I could have entered problem-solving mode until I could just stop being scared by the size of the problems.
There is so much about parenthood that is overwhelming and stressful, but man, when you figure something out, it is the most powerful feeling in the world.