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How do you spell gahhjdfig :drool: :thud:?

I seriously cannot remember the last time I felt so worn out. Emotionally, physically…

My feet want to report me for domestic abuse.

But at the same time I’m exhilarated, inspired, feeling like I am a part of new communities accomplishing legendary things, and glowing from days of So. Much. Fun.

The cook-off was crazy and a total blast. I felt like a Top Chef, and I have so much new respect for what those contestants do. That stuff is HARD. And sweaty. I had to keep dabbing my forehead while video rolled and pictures snapped.

I didn’t end up winning, but please believe me when I say that it hardly seems to matter. That is not some hollow “trying to be a gracious loser” speech. I went into the contest feeling really confident, but once I saw, and *tasted*, what everyone else made, I knew it was anybody’s game. The other contestants were so sporting, lending each other supplies, offering to help out when they had a free moment, and so much fun. And Knorr treated us like total VIP’s. When the winners were announced and I wasn’t one of them, I indulged in a couple of bummed out moments, and then I hit the party floor and forgot all about it. There was too much great stuff happening all around me to feel sorry for myself.

This was my first blogging conference, and I got everything out of it that I wanted. I met so many amazing people and hit it off with every one of them. There wasn’t a bummer in the bunch. I spent one day hanging out with the Special Needs bloggers, and another day hanging out with the Craft bloggers, caught up with my pals from San Diego, and spent every night partying with anyone who was standing near me. At the party the first night I walked up to a group of strangers and by the end of the night we were lifelong friends.

There were moments where all the socializing threatened to be a bit much for me. Anxiety and crowds of new people are not known for being great friends. But I knew if I didn’t take advantage of the time I had I would regret it later. So I took a deep breath and threw myself out there. I am so grateful I did.

But now I’m tempted to stay indoors for a while. Plus I have to make it up to my feet.

I got my backpack packed, I got my pretty clothes picked out, I’ve got all my gadgets fully charged, and I’m ready to party.

I don’t think I really understand what I’m going to be walking into, but my goal is to meet a whole bunch of great people, learn a thing or two, and have some fun.

I made myself these pretty new business cards to pass out to all my soon to be cyber-bff’s. I can’t stop looking at them. I adore them.

My big cooking contest is on Saturday. I’ve got an hour to make my dish for a bunch of fancy judges, and then I’ll be interviewed for a video. So I’ve got to look camera ready after all that. So scary, but so fun.

I leave this afternoon and I’ll be back here on Monday. With lots and lots and lots to tell you about, I’m sure. Wish me luck!

In this self-reflective phase I’ve been going through, I’ve been thinking a ton about my blogging niche – my “brand” – and paying attention to some of the advice floating out there. So much of the blogging and social media expertise makes me roll my eyes, since we’re really all just figuring it out together, but there are definitely areas I can improve (ahem *dealing with comments* ahem). I am inspired by so many great bloggers out there, and I watch as many other bloggers are just another version of the biggest names. It can be so easy to ape the stars, whether it’s out of flattery or just trying to follow a successful formula. But I don’t think the world needs another Dooce, another Pioneer Woman, another Soulemama, another Design Mom. Those women all have their spheres handled. What do I have to offer that’s unique?

The blogging advice that frustrates me the most is that you’re “supposed” to narrow your topics so that you have a hook. I see this a ton in the craft blog world where sometimes people get so specific that they have one blog for their knitting and another for their sewing, or where they just create with one medium so they’re known as the go-to person who works with popsicle sticks or something, or, most troubling to me, leave all traces of a real personal life off the screen. That advice often gets results, but I can’t bring myself to follow it. There has always been too much in this world that I’ve been interested in, and I don’t want to have to choose one part of myself at the expense of anything else.

In small moments I get frustrated that some other blogs, especially those that compile the work of others, get so much more traffic than I do. Many blogs, often in the craft or design world, offer nothing more than links to another blogger’s efforts. It can be tempting to rely on someone else’s beautiful pictures or good ideas. It’s easy, the ideas are plentiful, traffic increases, but there are so many blogs that do that, the world does not need another one from me.

Before I sound too critical, let me say here that some of the blogs that compile content are exquisite and the first ones I check every morning. Some of those bloggers are excellent networkers and curators and spend valuable time in research. Some of those bloggers have featured my work and been supportive and promoted me and my blog. But then there are other bloggers, and some of those bloggers are skating by on borrowed work without offering much value in return.

I love to listen to interviews with artists and writers and performers to gain some insight into what they do, and this issue comes up a lot. Do you follow a personal, artistic vision, even if it means you stay a little obscure? Or do you do whatever it takes to make it big? If those two things happen to overlap, then that’s the dream come true. But for most of us, they won’t. So do I keep plugging away for another ten years, recording my strife and my projects for a wonderfully supportive readership that is a fraction of what the biggest bloggers get, or do I obey the experts, toss in some blogging tricks, some things guaranteed to up the page views, at the expense of my content?

I don’t mean to sound like some moody teenager prattling on about “selling out,” I don’t think it’s anywhere near as simple as that. It’s more like, following standard practices that are more or less proven to work, or staying true to my particular voice which resists those practices. The people only interested in working with popsicle sticks won’t face this dilemma because their voice happens to fit with the standard practices.

But for me, I have those two forces fighting it out in my head. The ambitious part of me that wants to be The Most Successful at anything I try, and the Rugged Individualist part of me that wants to break every rule. Even the ones that work.

So, if that’s what I’m trying to avoid, what am I trying to be? After years of trying to describe my blog as a “personal blog,” or a “mommy blog,” or a “craft blog” and being unsatisfied, I finally decided that what I am is a “Creative Living blog.” I started paying a lot of attention to what inspires me, where I get my ideas, what I want to write about, and I realized that it always comes from finding a solution to a problem. Sometimes those problems are a decorating need, trying to stick to a budget, a need to express myself, or to create the kind of life I want for my family and develop into the kind of person I want to be.

What I want to offer is a creative approach to every aspect of my life. How I parent, how I express myself, how I make a home, how I connect to the world. I want everything I make to be fully integrated into my life, and through that fully integrate my creativity into my life. I want to come up with creative solutions to problems mundane and complex, and tap into my best self by using my talents to live a thoughtful life.

If all that means that I never gain a ridiculous following or get rich off the blog, then I’m going to learn to be just fine with that. Because I think my life will be pretty dang great anyway.

My plans for the day got blown to smithereens in the best possible way. My entry for the Knorr chicken stock challenge was selected as a finalist and now I get a trip to BlogHer!

So instead of all the writing and crafting and struggling to keep cool I planned on doing, I’ve been spending today making lists and jumping around and struggling to keep cool.

Please drop me a line if you’ll be attending. I’m a total BlogHer newbie and so bad at the social media that I totally feel like the new girl in school.

This picture doesn’t have much to do with anything, but I love it too much not to share. Taken by my friend Stacey.

Like most of the rest of the internet, I’ve read Maggie’s blog for years and followed along with her Life List adventures, admiring the well-lived life she was creating. I’ve never been short on goals for myself, so until recently I hadn’t gone to the trouble of drafting up my own life list. But with all the emotional upheaval of the year including my need to cope with my mental illness, I thought it was time to sit down and think seriously again about the life I want to be living and how I’m going to get myself there.

Here, in no particular order, are 101 things I want to do with my life:

Have a gallery show
Learn to swim
Take dance classes
Record a song
Learn to speak French
Learn to speak Italian
Write two novels
Write a memoir
Keep chickens
Keep bees
Make my own cheese
Make my own pasta
Have an orchard
Custom build a home
Host a writers retreat
Learn to draw
Run a 5K
Get involved in the community
Create a network of friends that are like family
Learn to play the piano
Learn to play the guitar
Teach Atticus to read
Fully decorate a home
Fix up my teeth
Build a bedframe
Write a craft book
Be happy with my body
Have a closet full of clothes I love
Know how to style my hair
Learn how to best apply makeup
Have a guest house
Become financially independent
Visit all seven continents
Visit all 50 states
Ride in a hot air balloon
Go skydiving
Have a summer home
Hike half dome
Go to all the local agricultural festivals
Enter something in the fair
See Mt Rushmore and the Grand Canyon
Spend a week in NY seeing shows and eating fabulous meals
Get better at photography
Cook at home every night for six months
Design a line of crosstitch patterns
Find my sport
Add to our family
Get really good at making bread
Go canoeing with the family
Go camping
Host a Christmas home tour
Make the Marbek nativity
Make a closet full of homemade quilts
Give a reading
Tell a story on the moth
Act in a play
Put on a one woman show
Make something in a collaborative project
Help Atticus become independent
Read every book on my bookshelf
Take up painting
Go snorkeling
Go birdwatching
Visit a black sand beach
Do a run for CP with Atti
Go on tour
Watch AFI’s top 100 films
Read every Pulitzer prize winning book in print
Have a hammock in my backyard
Make a grass couch
See the Northern Lights
Walk the great wall
Walk (at least part of) the appalachian trail
Be in a movie
Complete some kind of 365 project
Go to a charity ball
Ride in a gondola
Go skiing
Take a pottery class
Blow glass
Make a significant change in the world
Go to a film festival
Catch a taping of SNL
Drive Route 66
Give someone a job
Eat at the French Laundry
Eat at WD-50
Ride a bike in a resort town
See tulips in Holland
Taste balsamic vinegar in Modena
See bioluminescent algae
Go on a photo safari
Get out of debt
Perform music with Atti
Spend a whole day reading with Atti
Take Atti to a real concert
Go to the Oscars
Take a salsa class with Jared
Get accepted to a prestigious writers retreat
Drive through a redwood tree
Fix up my eating habits

This was such a great exercise, to think expansively about the kind of person I want to be and the life I want to make for my family. But the best part of it was gaining an appreciation for the life I’ve already lived. As I surfed around on line looking for inspiration, I was struck over and over again with how many things on other people’s lists that I’ve already done. I’ve had a pretty great, fully lived, life. And that’s exactly the perspective I was needing.

While Atti’s been in school, I’ve been sneaking away to a coffee shop to bury my nose in a book and a hot chocolate. And the book I’ve been reading is Story by Robert McKee, which is widely considered to be the best ever book on how to write something.

I’ve written and written and written over the years about wanting to be a writer, and now I am one. In a way I never expected, and writing about things I never imagined I would. Being a writer about religion was a twist I did not see coming. I always imagined I’d write literary fiction.

And now is my time to try. I’ve wound up with opportunities that leave me no room for excuses, and the confidence to give it a go. I am going to write a book this year. I’m going to.

The book I have in mind would deal with Mormon themes, and next year is probably going to be a big year for Mormons. Right now it looks like Mitt Romney and John Huntsman are going to run for president, and Glenn Beck is always out there making news. The Book of Mormon musical just opened and is going like gangbusters. All my writer friends are telling me that it’s impossible to get a book published right now unless it’s about vampires, but I think Mormons might be the next best thing.

I have my work cut out for me, but I think now might just be the time to make my dreams come true.