And this is both good news and bad news.

Good news because for months and months now I’ve rarely changed out of my pajamas or spoken to actual human beings who have met me in real life.

Bad news because what was supposed to be a 2 day a week gig has swallowed me whole.

Bear has been pushing me for ages to go find something, but I had been digging in my heels and resisting with all my might. For one thing, the market around here is awful, as I’ve discussed, and I find the job search absolutely humiliating and demoralizing. But I also really dug not having to report anywhere when someone told me to. I loved pursuing my own interests and doing things my way. However, it was certainly not the most productive way I’ve ever done things. No deadlines at all seemed to mean no reason to finish anything. So I have a million projects neatly lined up in my studio waiting for me to get around to the last step, and they have been patiently waiting there for months. I have that book proposal ready to send off, except I can’t think of a stinking working title, so it all just sits.

But mainly, we’ve got IVF staring us down and I did not want to be sitting in some cubicle somewhere as I charted and bore the scars of all the poking and prodding and trying to explain to some boss why I needed more time off.

The other day, Bear and I were out running around and we stopped by the local scrapbook store. There, prominently displayed, was a Now Hiring sign. As soon as I saw it my only thought was, “Crap. I’m going to have to deal with that.”

My pride was a little wounded at the thought of going back into a store after all my other experience. It seemed like a pretty sizeable step down for me. I sucked it up and went in anyway and it’s a good thing I did. This store needs HELP. They’ve had a few devastating years full of family health troubles and major problem employees and now they are in dire straights.

I’ll be teaching classes twice a week, and now it looks like I’ll be working 4 days a week instead of the one or two I went in planning on. This month I’ve had a total of 5 days off. including Sundays. when the store is closed. Oh gosh my work is cut out for me there.

Of course, because I am so incredibly OCD and controlling, or as Bear gingerly said to me the other night, “passionate,” I cannot be content to just come in when I’m supposed to, do my job, and leave when I’m supposed to. Thoughts of what I want to do to this store keep me up at night. On our trip to Utah I spent every free moment going to scrapbook stores to get ideas. I put together a 4 page proposal full of market strategy. It annoys me to no end that they don’t swallow my advice wholesale. I just don’t think I’ll be happy unless I run my own store. Which of course I can’t do since we still have no idea where we’ll be six months from now.

That’s supposed to be the sound I’m making on this roller coaster of a life.

After coming to terms with the fact that we won’t be buying a house anytime soon, we had finally made the decision to stay here and work out the year to get some experience under Bear’s belt.

But oh no. Things don’t go smoothly for us, ever. As soon as that decision was made, jobs start popping up all over the place. There’s a place in Bremerton, WA that really wants him, but we decided not to take it because it’s too close to my family and too far away from his. There was another place in Oregon, but it was too small.

Then there’s a place in San Diego which could be just perfect. So he sent off a resume on a lark, thinking he’d hear he wasn’t experienced enough again. They called him the other day for a phone interview and he killed it. Killed it dead. The corporate office is back in Boston, so he bonded with them about our time back there, he told jokes, talked about their family. Killed it. Dead.

So she said that he should expect a call from the SoCal regional person as a second interview. When he didn’t hear back by the end of the day he figured he asked for too much money (that continues to be a problem. These corporations don’t seem to take cost of living into account.), shrugged his shoulders and went about his business.

The next day he hears some internal office gossip that his corporation will be buying more buildings. And that one of them will be in Park City, UT, where we not only have a ton of family, but also OWN A PLOT OF LAND FOR OUR DREAM HOUSE!

Then, on Friday, his phone rings and it’s the San Diego people again. They’ve decided to dispense with the second phone interview and they’re flying him down on Tuesday for a face to face.

:pant, pant: I can’t keep up. When he told me about the flight I literally had no energy left to care. I pretty much just shrugged my shoulders and said, “OK.” and then I tried to say a prayer which went something like this: “:sigh: wherever you want us Heavenly Father.”

Best possible case scenario according to me: San Diego offers us a job at the rate we’re asking. Bear goes to quit this job, they realize what a horrible fate would befall them if they lost him, so they immediately match the higher rate. And then in three years or so we get a building in Park City.

Most likely case scenario according to me: San Diego decides we’re asking too much money even though I just looked at house prices there and they are way way worse than even here, they don’t offer him the job and we stay at this job at this crappy payscale in this crappy apartment for the forseeable future.

I just asked Bear which one he thought was more likely and he said, “The one with all the crap in it.”

Bear passed his last exam and he is now a fully licensed nursing home administrator. I really cannot do justice to how awesome this is. 1) Because these tests were insanely hard, with a pass rate of 30%, and Bear passed them both on the first try; and 2) Because this now means that after seven years of marriage we finally have a career and will be making career money.

Of course, this is *our* life we’re talking about, so nothing could go smoothly or as planned the first time around.

Bear got his new salary offer last week and it was 10K LOWER than what we asked for. 20K lower than the industry standard. We are not just being greedy here. Bear’s trainer was shocked at the offer and called it a “slap in the face.”

So there go all our plans of home ownership. 1)Our new salary is too low to buy in this market, and 2) after this kind of treatment we don’t want to stay with the company anyway so who knows where the next job will be. We might stay here in Modesto for awhile, but we might end up moving somewhere different entirely. We have no idea.

Bear’s gotten some offers in Washington and Oregon, but those have been for tiny tiny buildings which wouldn’t pay enough to bother with the move and the risk of trying out a new company. Bear also got an offer for a local building, but after a couple interviews and a visit to the facility, he felt the whole thing was a little shady. Some people would be happy to take anything as long as the money was right, but Bear is not one of those people. After his visit to the building he rattled off a list of major problems with it, including some that could be dangerous to the residents, and so now he wants nothing to do with them.

For the time being we’re just hanging out. It looks like we’ll probably have to put in a year with this company before we’ll be able to get the offers we’ll be happy with. Bear’s working hard and doing so very well I can’t really even describe how awesome without whipping out the pie charts and line graphs. He has turned that building around and is now making tons of money for the company. And he’s working on a deal that could potentially bring the buildings profits up 400%. 400% PEOPLE! See what I mean? AWESOME! It would really really suck to leave this because they are just too darn cheap.

On the other hand, I WANT A FREAKING HOUSE ALREADY. If we do stay out the year, then it looks like we’ll be doing IVF while we live in this crappy apartment. I won’t get my big beautiful house with a big beautiful nursery that is all decorated and nested up. I’ll bring the kid home to a crappy apartment. I keep trying to keep my spirits up by saying that it won’t matter, I’ll just be happy to have the kid. And the kid doesn’t even use the nursery for the first few months anyway. But keeping my spirits up is a serious battle because 1) I feel like it’s dangerous to start counting on the kid even if it does cheer me up about the house – what will I do if the IVF is unsuccessful? and 2)The nursery is always more for the parents than the kid anyway and I want it dangit!

I just realized that that was my third numbered list in one entry. You can tell I’m torn up about it when I kick into OCD listmaking mode to try to control the situation.

I’m sitting at Sally and Silverback’s house. Bear’s parents. We drove down so Bear could go to a wedding of one of his high school friends, and I was going to go into the LA Garment District and buy as much fabric as I could carry to make curtains and slipcovers and bedding for our new beautiful home.

That is, until we realized we couldn’t get the big beautiful new home, so now there’s not much point in buying fabric for curtains for the windows I don’t have.

We drove five hours so I could sit here and try to entertain myself while Bear visits with people he just saw at his high school reunion but hasn’t spoken to for ten years before that.

And I just got a shot of Lupron in my butt by a trainee with shaky hands and a knack for finding the nerves.

And Bear’s sister-in-law just went into labor.

Don’t mind me, I think I’m going to go drown myself in the pool.

Four months of job searching, and not. one. single. interview.

This has NEVER happened to me before. Excuse me while I brag, but I am an excellent candidate. I’ve gotten every job I’ve ever interviewed for. I have a degree from a great school and loads of corporate experience. AND I started two businesses of my own, and while the first one was a spectacular failure, I learned my lessons and did very well for myself the second time around.

But no one has even thought I warranted a meeting. It’s a huge ego bruise.

I approached the search with my snobby nose held high, refusing to send resumes out to any job that appeared to be somebody’s secretary. The Almond Board of California sent me an email to participate in a written interview, which, I’m sorry again, but I rocked it. Seriously. And two weeks later I got a form rejection letter. I was thoroughly qualified, I nailed the written portion, they wouldn’t have to pay for relocation. Maybe I just think way too highly of myself, but unless they promoted from within or had somebody’s brother take the position, I don’t understand how I could have lost that job.

By that time the clock was ticking and I knew I just needed to find something. We hope to pursue IVF in September/October, and I refuse to work during that process. People do it every day with no problems, but I won’t. I’ve been cheated out of so many things during this whole crappy infertility thing, I’m not going to give up my nesting time so I can earn $8 an hour. So since that meant that I was only going to be working for a few months, I couldn’t afford to wait around for the right job.

I took a deep breath, and applied as a receptionist at a healthcare network.

One day I’m working around the house, and the telephone rings. I couldn’t find the stupid cordless phone, like always, and I missed the call. The caller ID said it was the healthcare place, but they didn’t leave a message and they never called back. Apparently I had one shot, and since I didn’t pick up by the third ring, no job for me.

That marked the end of the job search. As the months on Lupron continue I’m getting increasingly hormonal, I’m still dealing with a few residual endo symptoms as well as new Lupron symptoms, then there’s the whole weight issue again, I just COULD NOT TAKE one more reason to be depressed.

Instead I’ve been spending my time writing my craft book. I’m now about halfway done, which is just about the point where it’s ready to start sending off to publishers. I just need to finish some of the writing and organization and then say my prayers and hope it finds its way to a company that wants to buy it. Like any creative endeavor, it’s a serious long shot, but I’m hoping that something will actually come of it, and then it won’t matter that I couldn’t find a job in this crappy town. I will be a writer.