baby news

Post Vacation Frenzy

September 3, 2008

We managed to sneak out of town for a couple of days over the long weekend to celebrate with Bear’s family at their beachhouse up in Ventura. I have to admit that I don’t always relish these trips. I’m really not much of a beach person to begin with, but also, Bear’s family is so big and boisterous that huge extended family gatherings kind of kick up the old anxiety for me. We celebrate Thanksgiving here every year, and that I look forward to. I always sign up for way too much cooking and then I can just zen out in the kitchen as the chaos swirls around me, and all my favorite family members pop over to visit before heading back out into the storm of kids and sand and squabbles and sun. Without that task in front of me to focus on, I can get a little carried away inside my own head. Christmas just sends me right over the edge as packs of children descend on presents and I hide in the corner I stake out every year while I take deep breaths and imagine big open meadows.

This was my first time coming out for Memorial Day. Usually the weekend is so short and the drive is so long that we don’t bother, but this family has been so overwhelming supportive and thoughtful and generous throughout all the ups and downs in Atticus’ short life, that we were dying to see everyone and rejoice in our triumphs together. It was a great weekend.

Bear’s whole immediate family was there this time, so we had some great time together, all the grandkids with their grandparents, I got some always welcome time with Bear’s brother’s wife Diana, who I dig way more than the short amount of time I get to see her would let on, and I even managed to make it through the weekend without my head exploding due to political discussions going round and round with no possible resolution.

The weather was pretty awful. I think the sun only came out for part of Saturday afternoon, but we still wanted to take advantage of the opportunity and let Atti have his first beach trip. It was not really a success.

The sand was very cold, and very wet, and the Rookie was not a fan.

He did a little better in the water.

Just look at those baby muscles!

But as soon as he got his trunks wet he started screaming, so we took him back up to the house and tossed him in the hot tub, where he laughed and cooed and floated to his hearts content.

Now that we’re back in town the hard part begins. Not only do I have to get caught back up with regular life, but I have to do it while unpacking the entire car worth of stuff we had to drag with us, doing load upon load of laundry, restocking the house with groceries, and cleaning up the enormous mess the cats made in our absence. Sigh. I really envy Bear just having to go back to work. If only that’s all I had to do.

Filed Under: baby news, The Good Life

Super Nephew

August 28, 2008

My cute little nephew Micah turned five back in May, and because Atti had *just* come home from the hospital and was still on oxygen, I missed his big birthday shindig. I also had no time to make him anything, and I’m committed to giving handmade gifts whenever I can manage it. Particularly to little kids who are so saturated with plastic cartoon toys.

Micah has such an imagination. I could sit forever and listen to the stories he makes up for his plastic knights to enact. I wanted to make him something that would use that crazy brain of his and allow him to become part of the action.

This superhero cape took me about 30 minutes to whip up. The fabric is some kind of a polyester jersey, so I didn’t even try to hem anything. I started by sewing the big white circle in the middle, using a huge piece of tissue paper behind the jersey to stabilize it and stop it from stretching. I used fleece I had lying around so once again I didn’t have to think about hemming anything. I printed out a giant M on the computer and cut that out of the blue fabric, and then stuck it in place with fusible web. Then I just sewed a quick casing at the top, and used the rest of the blue fabric to make up a tie. Just so I could continue my trend of no hemming, I outlined the M in puffy fabric paint to cover up the raw edges.

I made the tie fairly long since I wanted him to be able to use the cape for awhile, but I also didn’t want him to be able to pull the tie out as he was playing, so I sewed through the casing in the middle of the cape. Then he can still gather the cape while it’s too big for him, but it won’t come out no matter how hard he plays.

After I gave it to him he refused to take it off even as we went shopping at Target. I got such a thrill out of seeing this mini superhero wander around the store. I kept trying to snap a picture, but he was too fast for me.

I thought the whole thing was so cute, I had to make one for my little superguy too.

I think he’s still got some growing to do.

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OR DOES HE…..

Filed Under: baby news, Stuff I Make, Tutorials

Sorry for the unexplained absence

August 22, 2008

Wow, how’d a whole week go by?

August 14th was our nine year anniversary, so this time last week Bear and I dropped the Rookie off with Grandma and Grandpa and spent a night just the two of us in a hotel next to Disneyland. It was wonderful. We went to Downtown Disney and leisurely shopped, we ate at a very fancy Spanish restaurant where we had a table on the balcony with a perfect view of the fireworks, and best of all, I actually got a full night’s sleep for the first time in six months.

But by the next morning I couldn’t get out of the room fast enough. I was shaking from baby withdrawal. These mother emotions are powerful things. We’re always trying to get them to be more independant – “just have some tummy time while I do these dishes.” “Please, it’s time to go to sleep already.” – and then when they show those baby steps toward independance I just want to snap him up and hold him close and never let him grow up. He had a great visit with the grandfolks. He played in the bath, he played games with singing grandma, and he got snuggled to bits. Yet when I called to check in on him, I got the biggest smile of the night just by hearing my voice. It’s a pretty amazing thing, being the person he loves most.

Since we got back into town I’ve been struggling to catch up. My house is in shambles, there are drifts of laundry strewn throughout the house, I still haven’t managed to make it to the grocery store, and I’m trying to hurry up and finish a couple projects before I’m tortured to death by the projects burning holes in my head waiting to be started. I have mountains of emails to return, but I don’t get much time every day with two hands free, so that keeps getting pushed off in favor of blogging because, even though I may have to type this one handed, at least there’s only one of those to worry about. It’s such a harsh tradeoff. I desperately needed that break, and yet that break makes things even harder when you get home.

Filed Under: baby news, mama musings, The Good Life

No news is good news

August 13, 2008

This week has been stuffed to the brim with doctors appointments and occupational therapy appointments and ophthalmologist appointments. I’m exhausted. I’ve been driving all over creation, and on Tuesday I spent the entire day an hour away from home as I went to one appointment, and then waited six hours for my next appointment. My poor kid never wants to see his carseat again. Also? It is impossible to keep yourself and a baby occupied away from home for that long without shopping. So I spent a lot of money.

About three months ago we went to the ophthalmologist for the first time to check everything out. Preemies frequently have vision problems, so this appointment was just standard procedure. After the doctor looked at him, he was concerned that Atti would be blind. I’ve actually been so terrified about this that I couldn’t write about it. I could barely even speak the words out loud. We always knew that the worst his cerebral palsy would possibly be would still allow him to eventually function normally, but the thought of him not being able to see….when everything I do involves art…..I couldn’t even go there. For the last four months we’ve been holding our breath waiting to see if he would end up just fine – or be blind and crippled. No middle ground for us! EVER!

He was a little slow to smile, and I was sure that meant that he couldn’t see me to emulate it. He loves to stare at lights, and I was so scared that meant that he couldn’t see much else. I obsessed over his every reaction, and the day he started paying attention to the toys over his head I wept with relief.

Obviously being blind is not the end of the world. I’m sure I would have gotten on board quickly and learned how I could best help him. But the thought of not being able to share what I love most with him…not being able to read him a book and show him the illustrations…not being able to draw and color with him….I couldn’t see past the loss.

Bear felt the same way when we first got the cp diagosis. He was a college athlete. He’s dreamt about throwing the ball around with his boy. The thought of not being able to share that with him… I just can’t seem to find the words to explain it. The crushing disappointment. The guilt for feeling anything other than joy at your little marvel. The huge loss of potential you grieve while simultaneously rejoicing in what you have.

Most Tuesday’s I have a standing lunch date with Bear’s sister Mari and her mother in law Virginia. Virginia adores Atti and is totally a doting grandmother to him. I was discussing his development with her one day and how thrilled I was that he was grasping his toys with both hands; he was kicking both of his legs. How proud we were about every little thing he manages to accomplish because it shows him beating the odds every time. She commented that every parent should probably have that attitude about their children. That children come the way they come with their own talents and interests, and even if Atticus was completely healthy, he still might not want to toss the ball around with his dad. Maybe he’ll grow up to be an indoor kid like me and Bear would still not have that athletic ground to share with him. But now, he’ll rejoice in every thing he does instead of think less of him for what he doesn’t. Bear has done such a good job in letting go of his own expectations and celebrating Atti for who he is. I hope I can do as well.

The appointments on Tuesday all looked really good. There are a few exercises we need to do with Atti, he’s got some tightness in his muscles that we’ll need to work on, but so far everything is in the normal range for what you’d see from a preemie. So far we haven’t seen any manifestations of cp. We’re not out of the woods yet. We won’t be until he’s able to do all the normal physical skills. It just won’t show up until it does. The ophthalmologist said the same thing about his eyes. He’s seeing something, he’s not perfect, but he’s doing well and we’ll continue to monitor. But for now, there’s nothing to be concerned about and that’s the best news we could possibly get.

Filed Under: Are you kidding me?, baby news, mama musings

Year of Pleasures #14

August 8, 2008

Why is it that, when Bear can’t even brush my leg with his feet without me recoiling in horror, I somehow can’t seem to keep these little toes out of my mouth. It’s a mystery to me.

Filed Under: baby news, The Good Life, Year of Pleasures

How I have changed

July 31, 2008

Yesterday I got a comment from Shades that made me just stop in my tracks and evaluate things in my life.

Earlier you stated that you weren’t maternal by any means (and that you’d rather go to graduate school and be a writer or a therapist, enjoying the undivided attention of your husband and all the extra income, etc.).

Now that you have Atticus, do you still feel the same way? Have you become maternal now, or do you still wish you could’ve done all those things?

I really had to stop and ponder this one. As I mentioned the other day, motherhood has not at all been what I expected. And honestly, I’m not sure that I’m the best person to be very representative because my own journey into motherhood has been so bizarre. But I’ll give it my best crack.

I still don’t know that I’d describe myself as maternal. Every time someone new gets called to Primary (the children’s sunday school program) I give thanks that it’s not me. I still don’t get all warm and squiggly looking at baby clothes, I don’t relish discussing all the minutia of baby life with other moms, and if someone asked me to watch their kids for the day I think I might have a panic attack.

I still have goals that go beyond the home and the immediate demands of my family. In fact, in late August I’m going to start an accelerated culinary school program, and as I wrote last week I just finished a book proposal I’m shopping around. I would absolutely love to go to grad school, and I haven’t ruled that out as still happening some day far off in the future.

It’s funny to me because I think I really expected motherhood to change me more. All these years my friends have been having children while I stood by and watched, I kept hearing about this massive change that occurs once the mantel of motherhood falls on you. How your priorities change and nothing in the world becomes as important as this little person that you would fight and claw and die for. Coming from the scrapbooking world, full of sweetly sentimental people cataloging every shining moment in the lives of their precious precious babies, I think I really expected to become emotional and sensitive and suddenly turn into someone like my mother-in-law who still, 30 years later, can’t bear to throw out the simplest little doodle one of her kids made in kindergarten.

My priorities have changed. I love this little guy with a ferocity that is overwhelming. I would fight and claw and die for him, as I’ve already had to prove. I find myself craving him like food. Even when he just takes an extra long nap I miss him and have to force myself to let him sleep and leave him alone. A couple weeks ago Bear gave me a spa day and arranged a few other activities to let me have my first day to myself in six months. I bailed and came home before it was halfway through. Even when we went to see The Dark Knight (which I freaking LOVED) I found myself checking my cell phone every few minutes to see how much time was left before I could get back to my baby.

And yet I’m still somewhat unsentimental about it all. I find myself easily distracted by all the things that need to get done, by keeping him happy and fed while my house meets basic standards of hygiene. I make sure to take pictures once a week or so because I know I’ll want them in the future, but I have to remind myself to do it. I still hand him off to Bear when he gets home so I can get some creative time in my studio. I don’t think he’s the most perfect bit of perfection that ever perfected. I see him as a marvel, I think he’s exceptionally cute, I’m so proud of how soundly he’s beating all the odds against him, but he’s still just a little person. I don’t see him as some living embodiment of all my hopes and dreams and every success I’ll ever have in this life. I just see him as my special little guy. Although I do have to confess to the odd moment where I find myself reenacting Holly Hunter from Raising Arizona. :sob: I just love him so ho ho ho much :sob: But those usually only come when I haven’t slept in days and I’m so grateful he finally fell asleep.

I think I expected motherhood to completely overwhelm my heart and wipe out every other desire. And it just hasn’t. Those ambitions and goals for growth and personal success are still in me looking for satisfaction. For now I’m content to reinterpret them in ways that benefit my family more than myself. Instead of starting an intensive grad program, I’m getting my educational fix by going one night a week to study the culinary arts – a skill that will certainly come in handy in the home. Now I’ve decided that my ambitions aren’t an obstacle to my developing maternal nature. I will set an example to Atticus of the value I place on education and that he should not only respect an accomplished woman, but desire one as a good partner.

So yeah. I’ve definitely changed, and I’m the same person at the same time. I think instead of overwhelming my heart, motherhood has knocked down the walls and made it three times bigger. Instead of shrinking all my personal ambitions, it’s enlarged all of me.

Filed Under: baby news, mama musings, The Good Life, Year of Pleasures

Moan..whimper..moan

July 29, 2008

Atticus and I seem to have caught some kind of a stomach bug. I’ve been up all night for the past two nights spending some quality time in the bathroom, and Atticus has had some crazy diapers for the first time in his little life. On top of the stomach bug, I wrenched my back somehow over the weekend hauling stuff around, so I’m stiff and sore along with being dehydrated and weak and in constant awareness of how far I am from a bathroom at any given moment.

Monday night I was so exhausted between my sickness and his that I went a little delirious at his 1 am feeding. I couldn’t seem to manage to make the bottle by myself for some reason, so after I filled the bottle with water and still had the nipple in my hand, I woke up Bear and passed it off to him to add the formula. By the time he handed it back I had completely forgotten that I was still holding the nipple and, while Bear kept saying, “the top. put the top on. Tree, the top.” I poured the entire contents of his bottle all over the inside of his co-sleeper. Luckily he had squirmed enough in his sleep that I ended up just drenching his feet instead of giving him a head to toe formula shower. He didn’t seem to mind an awful lot either. Bear changed his jammies while I stripped the bedding, and he was back to sleep before we even got him back in his bed.

My little guy is such a good baby, there are seriously times I feel guilty about it. He never cries unless there is a reason for it, and yet there are still moments when I just have to take a deep breath and marshal my patience. What would I possibly do with a baby with colic?

So far this week I’ve accomplished nothing. I don’t know why I continue to allow it to surprise me, but once again I’ve had to toss out my grand plans and just snuggle on the couch as we whimpered together. Motherhood has turned out to be so much more demanding and yet also so much more tedious than I ever imagined. I need to be holding him at all times, and yet holding him doesn’t require all of the attention I have to give. Just snuggling him doesn’t require a ton of me, while it simultaneously requires all of me. I don’t know what mothers of newborns did before Netflix and the internet.

Filed Under: Are you kidding me?, baby news, mama musings

Does this remind you of anyone?

July 18, 2008

Hmmm, where have I seen that face before…..

Filed Under: baby news

He’s really really really ridiculously good-looking

July 11, 2008

After Atticus’ blessing, a lady came up to me to talk about how cute he was. This by itself was nothing out of the ordinary. Excuse me while I brag, but strangers are constantly stopping me to comment on my beautiful baby. I can’t get through Target without getting stopped in every other aisle, and the other day at Rubio’s a lady got out of line to come and gaze upon my perfect child for awhile. For a minute or two there in the hospital I honestly wondered if I was going to have a homely kid. His poor little face was so swollen and distorted, I really thought he was going to end up with some random genetic combination that left him totally weird looking. It turned out to be quite a pleasant surprise that he’s so darn cute.

Anyhoo, this particular lady is launching a clothing line and a website and she wanted to use my little guy as a model for her newborn layettes. We went for the shoot a few days later and I just got the pictures back.

He was such a little stinker through most of it. We had to keep catching shots in between cries. Then I mentioned to the photographer that I still needed to send out his birth announcements and she decided we needed to strip him down and get some nekkid shots. As soon as we took that diaper off, we didn’t hear another peep out of him. I think somebody likes public nudity.

We got some really really cute shots, and one I’ll definitely be using on his birth announcements. If I can figure out how I’m going to do them without photoshop.

Filed Under: baby news

Mr. Baby’s 4th of July

July 10, 2008

Have I mentioned that we keep calling this kid Mr. Baby? It sprang up completely unbidden, but it is so very very accurate in describing him. He is such a somber little contemplative guy. He knows how to smile, but he’s stingy with them. I only get maybe one or two a day. And when someone coos and makes faces at him, he just looks at them with a scowl as if he’s embarrassed for all involved. He’s a deep thinker this one. He has no time for this baby nonsense, he’s busy hatching plans for the betterment of all mankind. I just got a response from Senator Feinstein over an issue I didn’t remember writing about. I think this kid might just be secretly politically active while we’re asleep.

This past weekend we drove up to Bear’s parents house. With the gas prices the way they are, we haven’t been seeing a ton of them lately, so we were excited to let Atticus have some quality grandparent time while we snuck in a quick date.

We went out Thursday night to see WALL-E and it blew my mind. It’s seriously in my top ten movies. OK, maybe twenty, but still. I loved it. It was not at all what I was expecting, but instead a beautiful love story. You fall so in love with this sweet little robot.

Friday was full of the usual barbecue fun, but since Bear’s parents have the craziest pool you’ve ever seen outside of the playboy mansion, it also included a huge pool party with all kinds of family and friends. I made my famous beans that are now requested at every family get together, and Mr. Baby went swimming for the very first time.

On his first try he wasn’t such a big fan.

Then we took him into the jacuzzi (which wasn’t heated, we’re not entirely stupid) where he was away from most of the splashing and the water was a little warmer because it wasn’t shaded by trees. He was a huge fan of the bubbles.

Also, check out the teeny tiny little board shorts he was wearing thanks to Aunt Marsha:

Could you just go diabetic with the sweetness?

Overall I think this kid is going to take after me and not be a sun worshiper like his grandparents. Hopefully he’ll be a little less of an indoor kid than I was, but I think one day of sun and swim was enough to hold him over for a while.