Most of my little bloggy vacation was caused by finally getting my stinking goodfornothing computer back from the shop. I’ve been spending all my brief moments with two hands reformatting everything. I lost so much stuff that makes no real difference, but is an absolute pain in the neck to put back together. itunes playlists, fonts I have to redownload and install, podcasts I have to resubscribe to, all the downloads – flash, java, spyware, itunes, reinstalling all the peripherals like printers and cameras and video cameras and a 5 year old palm pilot, recreating my little file organization, setting up email, and ALLLLLLLLL the internet bookmarks.
I have big goals for this little blog, but like everything else in my life, I struggle to find the balance. Despite my best efforts I seem to be an all or nothing kind of person. Either I’m blogging so much I have a weeks worth of entries scheduled, or I’m abandoning it entirely. Either I’m not making anything at all or I’m so frantic with creative energy that the thought of sitting still and sharing what I’m doing makes my hair itch.
As soon as October comes around, my frantic creativity kicks in to full gear. From October to January I am almost always wearing paint stained pajamas and am covered in glitter. This is the time of year that most energizes the idea centers in my brain. I have more ideas than my two meager little hands could ever hope to crank out, and so I tend to abandon everything in my life and hole away in my studio cranking out ornaments and presents and fancy wrapping ideas.
This year I’m committed to doing things differently. Knowing it was Atti’s first Christmas with us, I didn’t want to pull my usual routine. I didn’t want to over commit myself and create so much artificial stress for myself that I couldn’t enjoy anything. This year we’re scaling back on presents, I’m scaling back on my expectations for myself. This year my rule is that any decorations not finished by December 1st just don’t make it up. If the week of Christmas rolls around and I’m still trying to handmake presents, it’s time to put that away for next year and just buy something already. This year I want to spend my time with friends and family and sharing the season.
With that being the goal, I have some plans for this little bloggy space. In the past couple of months I’ve seen a lot of new readers (Hi everybody! Thanks for visiting! Buongiorno, Italianos!) and I know from my own obsessive blog reading that it’s no fun to read a blog if the person isn’t truly sharing. My plan (let’s be honest here, it’s more like a hope given my track record) is to post every day in December to share my version of Christmas. We have great traditions, and bonkers decorations, and those are what I love reading about the most, so it only makes sense that I should share it with everyone I’m asking to read my blog.
That means that I’ve got to spend the rest of this month getting my blog caught up. I’ve been working like crazy on the house, Atticus is getting bigger and stronger every day, I’ve been cooking every night, and in my typical style I’ve been getting myself too wound up to take a moment every day, sit with myself, and share what I dedicate my life to. I need to stop that.
I recently listed this place with the blog directory Delightful Blogs, and I had to write a blurb describing what I do over here. I didn’t spend a ton of time on it, I just kind of took a deep breath and here’s what poured out:
So much of my life over the last five years has not been fit for public consumption. This blog is my attempt to communicate with the world despite the messiness of infertility, premature babies, unemployment and other ridiculous bad luck. It helps not having to witness immediate reactions. I write about my new journey into motherhood, all the stuff I make, and trying to create a life of grace amid the temptations of a Southern California life. I want to be a more peaceful person, more grateful, more appreciative of every moment, with a clearer vision for the direction of my family. And yet at the moment I’m a bundle of neuroses and contradictory ambitions. There’s a whole lot I want to do in this world. I wonder if I ever will.
I’m really pleased with that. I don’t know how I managed to get out of my own way and actually articulate what’s been rattling around in my head for so long, but I think that’s it. That’s how I feel. That’s what I aspire to. That’s how I want to be better.
Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for reading. Thank you for coming along with me as I pinball my way towards progression.