I just got back from reading Dooce’s latest post and it made me so sad.
Sad for her, sad for her family, sad for everyone who has ever been hurt or burned in the name of the faith that I love.
I love being a latter day saint. It is one of the first things you need to know about me to understand who I am. I believe in the doctrine, I believe in the prophet, I believe in Jesus Christ.
But I’ve also been around enough to know that in the here and now, this religion just does not fit everyone.
Everywhere I go I happen to make a gay friend or two. I went to BYU and found the only gay professor there. He even came out to me before he came out to his wife. I meet couples at work, I meet couples over the internet, even Bear’s started to meet gay couples. We just seem drawn to homosexuals.
And I love my friends. But I know that they will never ever be able to join this church I love and be happy.
I also seem to meet people who call themselves “recovering Mormons.” Just today I spent an hour on the phone with a woman who is debating coming back to church or not. She didn’t like the thought of surrendering all her personal authority to a church, and having to follow some bishop and whatever he said went with no appeal. I grabbed my head and thought, “Who has this woman been talking to? What bishop mistreated her to make her think that this is how the church works? How can I help her understand the truth when so many people are out there proving her right?”
I proudly consider myself a feminist. And these days I consider myself a democrat, although not so proudly considering the state of their leadership. And with both of those titles there have been times when I have not felt so comfortable within the church. But the baseline of my testimony is founded on Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father, and so when all the political complexities crowd in to try to distract me from that, I just have to push them away and have faith that once I understand the world better, once I understand the church better, things will make sense.
There was a time when I thought a feminist had no place as a Mormon. Now I know that’s not true. People still might tell me that, but now I know that they’re hung up on the label. If you throw out the F-word, then suddenly what I think isn’t so radical. And the leaders run the church just that way. No one can tell me our Prophet isn’t a feminist. Sure women still can’t hold the priesthood, but I’ve made my peace with that and come to my own understanding about it.
This church brings me so much hope and peace and love and happiness, I just wish that everyone could feel what I feel. But I know that won’t happen here.
