This week has absolutely kicked my trash.
Cars broke down, I missed very very very very important appointments, showed up late for other ones, waited around for another appointment that apparently didn’t exist, stressed over projects that are shots in the dark, and basically just let my whole life get completely away from me.
Juggling as much as I am between my little needy guy and my silly needy self, it doesn’t take much of a misstep before I drop everything and it all comes crashing down around me. That’s how this week feels.
Atti’s eye surgery is coming up on the 7th, I’ve got two additional appointments for it on top of the usual four appointments a week, and then I’ve had a ton of my own appointments trying to track down the cause of a bunch of vague mystery symptoms. I’m like my very own version of House over here. I haven’t wanted to blog about it because I didn’t want to be a drama queen, and Heaven knows there’s enough drama in my life without making stuff up, but this quest is dominating so much of my time and my thoughts that it’s hard to keep it to myself.
Over the past year I’ve been growing increasingly tired. Not just new momma tired, because I’m not sleep deprived at all and I’m not exactly chasing him around the house. No, it was more like, I have to sit down in the middle of the staircase because I’m too exhausted to take it in one trip, tired. Like, I can’t lose any baby weight because I’m so tired that my feet in sneakers are too heavy to lift. Not really normal. I had all the typical tests – thyroid is fine, iron is fine, potassium is fine, I pass the depression screening, no lupus or rheumatoid arthritis – and then just chalked it up to part of being a woman. We’re all tired, right?
Then the headaches started, and the blurry vision, and terrifying memories of my trouble with high blood pressure made me take this whole thing a little more seriously. I had my pressure screened and it was dangerously low. Suddenly all these symptoms that are totally benign on their own are a little frightening all lumped together. I have a history of fainting, but nothing dangerous. I have asthma that I’ve never really been able to properly control. I get tired, headaches, blurry vision, poor circulation, random little bumps and flutters in my chest….and then the doctor heard a heart murmur.
I can’t seem to help myself from savoring the drama in the telling of this story, but I’m not on the verge of death or anything. In fact, what is freaking me out so bad is the fact that this is probably something that I’ve lived my whole life with and it’s not worth doing anything about, which means that I’ll always feel a little cruddy. The thought of needing to get a valve replaced is actually comforting to me, that’s something they can fix. It’s the thought of having to live the whole rest of my life just kind of weak that is really terrifying to me.
Anyway, I’m going in for an echo cardiogram on the 10th, just after Atti’s surgery, to see what’s going on in there and if there’s anything to be done. For the next few weeks posting is probably going to be a little on the light side, but I’m going to do my best to avoid just sitting around chewing my nails to the quick.
P.S. Just so I don’t leave you in a bummed out state, here’s an adorable palate cleanser for you. Atti and Bear celebrating the Laker victory.