Among many Mormon women, Mother’s Day is secretly not a day of joy. We tend to have such high standards for ourselves that most of us feel constantly lacking and view Mother’s Day as a day to face up to just how far short we’re falling. Please don’t think there’s anything doctrinal about that, it just seems to be a common occurrence. I wonder, do the rest of you feel that tension? Do the rest of you feel guilty instead of celebrated?
During all those long years of infertility, Mother’s Day was thought of as “Hide the Razors Day” in my house. I’d skip church to avoid hearing the talks of how divine motherhood was and what angels were walking among us, angels that did not include me. And after years of discussions with my friends with kids, I fully expected to continue hating the day once Atti got here. But I don’t. I don’t feel this tremendous depressive guilt. I don’t feel like I’m lacking in all kinds of disgraceful ways. I feel so proud of what I’m accomplishing every day when the challenges I’m facing are so great.
I think the trick is the whole letting go of expectations thing I’ve been forced to do. Once I accepted the fact that Atti had special needs, once I accepted that his growth was never going to match up with a neat little pediatrician’s chart, I let go of expectations for him and all the expectations I had for myself just went right along with them. It’s like all the regular mommy judgments don’t apply to me because we have a big asterisk on us over here.
How could I carry guilt for not breastfeeding when it was because Atti had special needs? How could I beat myself up about not using cloth diapers when it was because Atti had special needs? How could I feel bad for not holding him more, letting him watch television, exposing him to plastic, blah blah blah, when it was all because he had special needs?
By no means do I feel like the perfect mother. And I can’t claim to be 100% guilt free. Like anybody else I worry about not exposing him to books enough, not doing his exercises enough, not getting his feedings right, scheduling him too much/not enough, whatever. But I can say that I am guilt reduced. Guilt reduced enough to take a day to sit back and be proud of what I’m accomplishing.
Through the months of therapy, I’ve learned to recognize every tiny feat Atti manages. We clap when he pushes up on his arms, we cheer when he picks up a cheerio, and we rejoice when he poops. I understand now what a miracle it is when he can coordinate the hundreds of muscles it takes to eat his food. Changing the way I view my child seems to have changed the way I view life. It’s like I changed the lens I view the world through to macro.
I can’t really explain the pride I feel in myself when I can solve the little mystery of my child and give him what he needs. If I take care of my son all day and just manage to vacuum the rugs, I feel productive and virtuous. I can’t help but celebrate all the tiny little milestones in my own life as well. Today everyone got a bath. Yeah me! Today I made dinner and cleaned the kitchen afterwards. Whoo Hoo! Today I only spent two hours online. Hooray!! Understanding what Atti and I are fighting against makes me feel downright heroic just making it through the day.
The thing is, every one of us has some kind of special needs, don’t we? A child with a challenging temperament, a husband with a demanding and time consuming job, maybe no husband at all, health problems, mental health problems, financial problems, lack of support systems, more than one young child, poor parenting examples, lack of education, you get the idea.
I don’t think that we should just sit back and make excuses, but maybe we all deserve a day a year to sit back, appreciate the special needs we’re overcoming, and feel proud of ourselves. Day by day we’re all struggling along the best we can, we all are striving for more. We’re accomplishing a mighty work here, shaping these young lives and creating sanctuaries of love and peace. Every day of the year we push ourselves towards better and demand the most of ourselves. I plan on spending Mother’s Day taking a deep breath, looking at my life and feeling proud of myself for doing what I’m doing despite everything working against me.
I hope you will too. I hope you’ll take a day to recognize your worth. I hope you’ll look around at everything that is blossoming under your care and appreciate just how often you’re succeeding, and how much you are treasured for your efforts.
Happy Mother’s Day