A while back I got some hate mail about how negative my blog is. While I immediately wrote the person off as an internet crank, it did get me thinking that I need to make every effort to write about the great things that happen in life, instead of just using this as a public place to vent.
I’ve been thinking about that, and about why I blog at all, and what my goals are for the blog. I went back through my archives to kind of remind myself where I started, and holy cow that was a mistake. Long time readers, I don’t know what you saw in me to get you to stick around. Someone who loved me really should have taken my keyboard away when I was that heavily medicated. How did you make any sense out of what was going on in my life?
When I started I wrote about infertility and endometriosis, while I was on pain pills from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to sleep. Now my health is as good as it’s probably ever going to get, and I’m totally over infertility discussions. By that I just mean that I have no more energy to keep the hope alive. I’m starting to consider the fact that we may never have children. And I think everyone around us is thinking that too. Before the miscarriage everyone used to tell me all their in vitro stories. So and so did it after five years, somebody else did it and got twins, happy ending, happy ending, yadda yadda yadda. Now people skip the in vitro and miracle pregnancy stories and go straight to the adoption happy ending.
The thing is (oh gosh, do I really want to discuss this on the internet? Go go gadget flame retardant suit!) I don’t think adoption is for us. At least right now. My feelings are incredibly complicated on this, but the bottom line is that I’m not really a maternal person. I never want to hold the babies, I’m just starting to dig my nephew now that he’s four, I detest going to events where there will be more than three kids, and I even decided to not pursue my student teaching because I realized I really don’t like other peoples children.
Complicating things even further is how my faith is tied up in all this. We have been told countless times in blessings that we would have children in this life. I even had a blessing that said Bookcase was going to come to full term and be our child and everything would work out and then it didn’t. We’re trying so hard to follow what we believe God wants us to do and it’s just not happening. So I feel incredibly betrayed. I feel abandoned by the God that I’ve given my life to, and rejected by our theoretical children. The thought of filling out paperwork and begging for someone to deem us worthy, putting ourselves under scrutiny to see if we’re the right height and weight, have the right house and make the right money, potentially meeting birth mothers and getting our hopes up only to be rejected again…..I just, I just can’t.
Adoptive parents, please forgive me. I recognize that the covenants you have made to these children are life saving and I have no doubt that the rewards you have found in your family have made everything else worthwhile. I don’t mean to disparage adoption at all, I just don’t seem to have the strength that it requires right now.
So…I can’t really call this an infertility blog anymore, because to save my sanity I’ve had to just ignore that whole dilemma. And it’s not really a chronic illness blog anymore because I’m really doing pretty good on that front. So after a little thought, I realized I really wanted to move this blog into the craft/lifestyle category. No more dwelling on all the crap life hands me, I’m going to make pretty stuff and share it and have a happy, inspiring, look on the bright side blog.
And then we started hearing rumors that Bear may lose his job.
The building he runs is being sold to another company, and while we knew that there were no guarantees, we felt pretty sure that the new company would keep him around. Until we heard from two different sources within the company that they have a replacement already picked out.
You know how company rumors go, who knows who is a reliable source. Nothing we’re hearing from anywhere seems to make sense. All the other administrators for other buildings they’ve bought still have their jobs, and they pride themselves on keeping the original staff on board, and yet here are two people from the company who seem to have other ideas. We have no idea who to believe or what to count on. All we can do is try not to panic until we hear something concrete, and make sure that Bear’s resume is updated and sent out.
Last night Bear and I were crying together over the phone and he said to me, “A man should not lose his child and his job in six months.”
It’s kind of impossible to have a nice happy inspirational blog when your life just won’t cooperate.