Well meaning crazy people keep offering me advice that I politely nod and smile at as I think unkind thoughts. We’ve all heard them before: Just relax, it’ll happen when it’s right, try magnets, try changing your diet, try these crystals, try standing on your head as the full moon wanes, whatever.
Aside from the condescending advice to “just relax,” which is always sure to send my blood pressure through the roof as I yell “Hulk SMASH!”, the only one I really get sick of is the advice to change my diet. People are always swearing by one thing or another, some new vitamin, a new supplement, some oil you’re supposed to swallow by the tablespoon four times a day, some new thing you’re supposed to never eat again.
For years I’ve been told that eliminating sugar from your diet is supposed to help. I used to go to church with someone who had done this, and people just could not stop talking to me about it. I have three problems with this: 1) I love candy. Bad. I just ate a packet of Lik m Aid yesterday and that’s nothing more than powdered sugar eaten with a powdered sugar stick. I could never see a movie again without my Hot Tamales to eat with my popcorn so I make cinnamon candied popcorn in my mouth. I just couldn’t do it. 2) I’m a wannabe foodie with aspirations of going to cooking school some day. How can you call yourself a foodie or a chef if you limit your diet so much? Food is wonderful! It’s like sex: It was made for a physiological point, but it’s also there for us to enjoy. 3) Sugar is in EVERYTHING. I couldn’t eat bread or fruit or anything convenient. I’d be limited to eating vegetables and meat. And that is freaking boring.
I just read an interview with the author of some endometriosis nutrition book, and the diet she’s recommending is wheat free, trans fat free, with a mountain of vitamins to swallow every day. So under this diet, not only could I eat no bread, pizza, corn, pasta(!), rice, or lentils, but I’d have to strictly limit the amount of meat and dairy I ate.
So essentially, the experts are telling me that for me to get better, I have to eat nothing but vegetables and vitamin supplements.
I’m sorry, that just sounds like a new ailment to me. I think I’ll stick with the one I’ve got.
Besides, if, because of my condition, I lack the strength to get out of bed and do the laundry, then where am I supposed to find the energy to devote my whole life to monitoring every morsel going into my mouth. I’m lucky if I can make my way to the kitchen and dig up something to throw in the microwave so I’ve eaten something before Bear gets home.
Which reminds me: I better go see if I have any George Jetson pills in my kitchen I can swallow for lunch.