I had to stop myself from posting twice more yesterday because I thought that a bit excessive. But today, bleck.
It probably has something to do with the endo pain I’m experiencing and the hemorrhaging I’m doing, but who’s to say, really.
Bear’s been on my case to look for a job, which I have been, half-heartedly. His work is screwing with his head and they gave him a pay cut to prepare him for a big promotion (Wha?) but our bills haven’t been cut, so we’re slightly screwed. I sent out resumes to a couple of open positions I found and turned in an application to Barnes and Noble, but I’ve had no luck whatsoever. And here’s why:
I don’t want a job.
After months of stressing and torturing myself about what I was doing with my life, I finally found my groove and I really don’t want to screw that up. I’m finally writing, and I make something every day, I’m cooking dinner and being the good little wifey, and I’m liking it. A part time job at Barnes and Noble would be fun, but a part time job anywhere else would not. So I don’t want to get one.
I keep telling Bear that if we just tighten our belts, we’ll be fine. If I cook dinner every night instead of eating out like we usually do, that will make up for it. But he’s never in his life had less than $100 in the bank account, so he’s starting to panic. For the love of my husband I’m sure I’ll go out and get a dang job, but it seems like every time I’m ready to go out and pound the pavement, I have a bad endo day.
This concerns me. First, I don’t want Bear to think I’m Crazy Fakerson, and second, I don’t want to BE Crazy Fakerson. Although the blood gushing out of me today helps to dispel that thought. The truth of the matter is that my health sucks. Going back on BCP’s helped considerably, but, as my body is loudly screaming at me today, it’s not a cure. Any job I get might not last too long anyway.
I think that’s what’s really holding me back. I just have the strongest gut feeling that I don’t need to worry. That the stress of looking and finding and keeping a job wouldn’t be worth any money I’d actually be able to bring in. I’m going to ebay a bunch of stuff, FINALLY, starting this weekend, so maybe that will buy me some more panic free time. Until that promotion comes through thanks to the pay cut that prepared him so well in the first place.