I know I’ve been whining a ton lately. I guess I go in phases. I’m up up up for a few weeks, and then crash. I was actually starting to pick myself up and dust myself off when I got hit with some bad news only in my world which revolves around me and is selfish and petty and jealous.
Bear’s brother and his wife, who only got married in April, are now going to have a baby.
Bear’s sister called us the other day to check up on us. She beat us with the first grandchild after she and her husband had been trying for TWO WEEKS! The BCP’s hadn’t even left her system and Wha la, she’s pregnant. Now that baby is two years old and they haven’t been able to get pregnant with #2 for about a year.
She commented that hearing the news was difficult for her after 1 year, after 5 1/2, we must be feeling pretty low.
Well of course we were, but you can’t say that about a baby. Of course we’re so jealous our eyes shoot flames and we’re completely sad and despondent that yet again we have to be excited while our hearts are breaking and yet again we have to watch it come so easily to someone while we have almost no hope. But you can’t say that because a baby is a joyous event. And to wish they hadn’t gotten pregnant would make you a very small person indeed.
And yet that’s exactly how I feel.
I’m bracing myself for another year like 2002 when everyone I knew got pregnant. Every one of Bear’s cousins had a baby, his sister had a baby, my two sisters and my sister-in-law had a baby, my three best friends had babies. And it really really sucked, but life was changing for us too, so that helped to distract. I got to quit my soul-sucking office job and we moved cross country for a grand adventure of our own. This year Bear’s brother is having a baby, my sister is having a baby, one of my friends is having a baby, and I’m fully expecting more to follow what with the typical spacing of children. Only this time, instead of a grand adventure, I’ll be trapped in my bed, unable to even get up to make my lunch.
I just came from my weekly activity with the young women, and it sucked. One of our personal progress goals (think merit badges) was physical fitness, so I brought my favorite salsa dance aerobics tape and then sat in the corner as everyone else had a blast cha-chaing up a storm. I didn’t even attempt it because I knew I’d a)have an asthma attack b)pass out or c)pass out after an asthma attack.
So the moral of this story is: life sucks.
As a side note, Bear had an important interview this week, so if anybody out there actually reads this besides my new friend J, could you just say a prayer/light a candle/send out vibes/hug a tree that he gets it so we can actually have health insurance and I might have hope of leaving my bed sometime this year? I’d appreciate it.